My husband had gastric bypass surgery on Monday, May 23rd, 2011. Although the doctors and bariatric center do their best to make sure you are prepared and aware of what is coming, I don’t think you really can be prepared. Not as the patient—or as the spouse.
I was surprised as I was dealing with MY post surgery struggles that there were no support groups that I could find for family members/friends of those who had weight loss surgery. The bariatric center my husband has gone through is amazing and offers support groups weekly and encourages patients and family members to attend. However, that is not the same as a support group designed for those on the other side. Those who did not have the surgery, but are dealing with the drastic life style changes it brings.
Because the surgery changed my life. Drastically.
Prior to the surgery Jim was motivated and amazing. He gave up carbonated beverages and caffeine like they suggested. At meals he ate his protein first. He added some walking in when he could. He lost about 15 pounds. We still went out to eat frequently, enjoyed fast food, and had pizza once a week. With both of us working full time and two young kids, we didn’t cook a whole lot and when we did it generally wasn’t very “healthy”. At this point, Jim had changed some of his behaviors, but it didn’t affect all of us.
As I said, my husband finally had his surgery on a Monday, May 23rd, 2011. After a year of waiting to meet requirements and get insurance approval and two postponements due to scheduling conflicts with the surgeon, we were beyond ready to get this surgery done. Jim was anxious and couldn’t focus at work. I was scared. Neither of us was really worried about the actual surgery. We knew Jim would be in good hands with a highly renowned surgeon working in a Bariatric Center of Excellence. We were, however, terrified of the lifestyle changes it would bring.
The surgery took several hours. It went over the time the surgeon said it would take which started me panicking a little. Luckily just as I was getting really worried, the surgeon came out and said everything went really well—that taking the gall bladder out (which had been planned) always adds a little more time. I was very relieved.
Seeing Jim after the surgery made it real. It was done. His GI anatomy had been changed. His life had been changed. Our lives had been changed. Suddenly the year of waiting for the surgery and the several hours for the actual surgery didn’t seem long enough. I needed more time. But it was done. There was no going back.
Life in the hospital was fine. They monitored Jim constantly…kept him comfortable with pain medication and had him up and walking just hours after surgery. Jim was in the hospital for two nights. I went to spend time with him on Tuesday and he was doing well and coping with the pain easily. Then we came home on Wednesday.
The next few days were pure hell.
Jim was miserable. The gas pains, the bloating, the nausea, the vomiting. Jim was regretting the decision for GBP. He laid on the couch and moaned, sat in his chair and moaned, laid in the bed and moaned…wishing a time machine would appear so he could change his mind.
I felt horrible for Jim, but being human, I also felt very sorry for myself. Yes, he was suffering, but I was, too. I was unable to make him comfortable which was difficult to deal with. I was taking care of the kids completely by myself. I was afraid to eat around him. I was angry that he made this decision (even though I really did support the decision 100%). I was very uncomfortable in my own home.
Jim’s agony lasted about three days. Three VERY long days. I bet Jim would tell you if felt like 3 years. Or maybe 30 years. At the time it felt like an eternity. I can remember looking at Jim that weekend and realizing that his face looked a little more relaxed. I knew instantly that he was feeling a little better. I saw a faint glimmer of hope.
The first week Jim was limited to a diet of clear protein drinks, chicken broth, and jello. Once he was feeling better, he was ready for some real food. Although he wasn’t “hungry” he was tired of living on jell-o and broth. He said the egg he had the Tuesday following his surgery was the best egg he had ever had. One egg and one strawberry. And he didn’t eat it all. Welcome to our new world.
Initially the weight was just falling off. Pounds per day. I could see the weight loss in his face and chest. Jim’s pants were loose and belts were being tightened further than they had been in years.
I was proud of him. I was jealous. I was angry.
Here I was doing all of the work. I was physically doing everything. And HE was the one losing the weight. It was/is extremely frustrating for me.
Go ahead. I know you are thinking it. I am insensitive. How could I be thinking about ME when Jim was the one who just had surgery? I hated myself for feeling the way I did. And yet, I couldn’t change it.
That is when I started looking for support groups for those who DIDN’T have bariatric surgery.
I came up empty handed.
My guilt is pretty deep. Every time I eat something Jim can’t have, I wonder if he is resentful.
Jim is doing the best he can to maintain some of our previous life. He will go out to eat with us and find something on the menu that fits in his eating restrictions. I am amazed at how well he does. I would not survive without carbs (at all for the first 2 months) or diet coke. I mean, I probably would survive, but not happily. Jim comments occasionally how he would like just some brown rice or a piece of wheat bread, but knows it is just a matter of time for that.
He watches me when I eat ice cream. And jokingly tells me that he hates me for it. I am not always sure he is really joking.
I am doing my best to be supportive and cook more and provide healthier options for our whole family. But again, sometimes it bothers that I have to make TURKEY meatballs instead of regular meatballs—that we had TURKEY hot dogs instead of the beef hot dogs. Yes, it is good for me, good for the kids. But I didn’t ask for this. I am in a battle with myself sometimes.
I am not sure who is going to win.
